Living Myself LARGE

The other day I posted an affirmation on my Women's Sacred Circle Facebook page. "I am willing to take up space. I am willing to be as large as I am. I am a vibrant, passionate woman, and I love and accept ALL of me." I received some emotion-filled responses from women who stated that they struggled with this one. Their responses led me to ponder the role of the Good Girl Archetype in our culture. 


When this archetype shows up in my life it often shows up as me playing small and feeling stuck in a prison of other people’s ideas. Many women, even today, grow up with the feeling that we have to live up to the idea of being “good.” This pressure to be "good" manifests in a myriad of ways. There are parts of us that work to keep the good girl persona in place: the judge, the critic, the perfectionist, the people-pleaser, the care-taker, and the limitless giver, to name a few. This pressure to remain a "good girl" often shows up just as women are about to expand and grow, just as they are beginning to use their true voice to speak up and be seen and heard. 


Society plays a large role in this "keeping us in our place". Below is an excerpt from the book Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.


THE ELEMENTS OF CAPTURE:

• Take an original.
• Domesticate her early, preferably before speech or locomotion.
• Over-socialize her in the extreme.
• Cause a famine for her wild nature.
• Isolate her from the sufferings and the freedoms of others so she has nothing to compare her life with.
• Teach her only one point of view.
• Let her be needy (or dry or cold) and let all see it, yet none tell her.
• Let her be split off from her natural body, thereby removing her from relationship with this being.
• Cut her loose in an environ where she can over-kill on things previously denied her, things 
• both exciting and dangerous.
• Give her friends who are also famished and who encourage her to be intemperate.
• Let her injured instincts for prudence and protection continue without repair.
• Because of her excesses, (not enough food, too much food, drugs, not enough sleep, too much sleep, etc.) let Death insinuate itself close by.
• Let her struggle with "good-girl" persona restoration and succeed at it, but only from time to time.
• Then, and finally, let her have a frantic re-involvement in psychologically and physiologically addictive excesses that are deadening in themselves or through misuse (alcohol, sex, rage, compliance, power, etc.).
• Now she is captured. Reverse the process, and she will be free. Repair her instincts and she will be strong.

Our feminine sensuality, our emotions, our anger, our ecstasy; these are all beautiful, powerful gifts, but when we’re taught at a very young age that these things are “wrong,” or "bad", or "naughty", we begin to repress them. We develop a strong internal judge and critic to keep us in line and in check. We are trained or programmed to play small, "know our place", "act like ladies", "shhhhhhh", "don't rock the boat". We become cut off from the very things that are large and vibrant and beautiful about us. 


Think about it. Anything large in our culture, when it is connected to women, is seen as "wrong", ugly, unacceptable. Our bodies "shouldn't" be large. Our voices "shouldn't" be large. Our emotions and our expression of those emotions "shouldn't" be large. Large is bad because large is un-ladylike and unattractive. And we all know that a women's worth in our culture is based, in large part, upon her appearance. You need look no further than any magazine or commercial to know this.


Is it any wonder that women struggle with taking up space? Lay on top of that, messages about scarcity and not-enoughness. If I am programmed to believe that there is a finite amount of love, attention, energy, money, etc., and I am programmed to believe that I am responsible for taking care of all others to the exclusion of myself, then I cannot take some (love, attention, energy, money, etc.) for myself! How dare I?! If I do, then I am taking away from what is yours. "No, you go ahead. Really. It's okay. I'm fine. I'll just sit here in the dark." And in that you can see how closely linked are the good girl and martyr. 


So, what do we do about this? I'll tell you. 


1. We make friends with our natural body, developing a loving and nurturing relationship with this precious being. Women in our culture are taught to hate their bodies, and to collude with fellow women in that hatred. We actually compete with each other in that body-hatred, "No your thighs aren't as bad as mine. I have way more cellulite than you do. I won't even wear a bathing suit in public!" 
We can reverse the process of being cut off from our bodies by embracing and accepting our bodies right now, exactly as they are. We can appreciate our bodies for bringing us all along the way of our lives to where we are now, our legs for the miracle of walking, our hips for birthing, our arms for hugging and holding our loved ones, our feelings for lighting our way. Look for things to appreciate your bodies for right now. Be intentional about it. Love her. Listen to her. She has a wealth of wisdom to give you, if you are willing to hear it. This inner voice is our instinct and intuition. Listen.


2. Begin the regular and consistent practice of saying "NO". Contrary to our programming, "no" is not a dirty word. Nor is it necessary to give lengthy explanations as to why you are saying no. You've probably heard it said that "No" is a complete sentence. It is. If you feel the need for more words, keep it short and sweet. Something like, "I'm practicing setting healthy boundaries, and I'm going to say 'no' this time". 
An excellent tool in response to being asked is to get into the habit of sitting with it for a time, listening to your own instincts about the issue. For example, when asked to give of yourself in some way, respond with "let me get back to you on that". It is absolutely invaluable to give yourself a bit of introspective time to check in with yourself.
Remember, this is a practice of learning to listen to our own instincts about how to respond to any given situation. The more we allow time to check in and listen, the better listeners we become. The more we will know that instinctual and intuitive voice as our own. In saying "no" to others, you are saying "yes" to yourself. You are saying "Yes. I deserve to receive. I deserve to give good things to myself."
Do not be surprised when the "you're selfish" message comes in creating resistance to change. It's your old programming. It's that internal critic and judge, and it's a signal that you are indeed creating positive change. You can say "no" to those internal messages too. You are the creator of your own experience.


In closing,
Take up space. Be as LARGE and as PASSIONATE and as LOUD as you are. However you are, be that. Fully. Completely. Unabashedly. It's a beautiful thing. You are lighting the way for the women behind you. I look forward to hearing from you.


Feeling Beautifully Large,


JULIA

Ask For What You Want

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there, myself included. I was looking at all the HMD posts on FB and remembered a gripe my mother has expressed on countless occasion. She tells the story of a time when she and my father were fighting about his lack of involvement around Mother's Day. They had five, yes five, children between them. Both theirs from their union. No blended families. So my mom is angry that my father does not honor her the way she would like to be honored on Mother's Day. My father's response, one he would never live down, was "You're not my mother."

Whew! Have you ever heard a more argumentative invitation between a husband and wife? Holy Shit, Dude! What were you thinking?! I don't remember what followed. I was either too young to remember or more likely, blocked it out. My parents fought quite a bit, and it wasn't pretty. What I do know is that my mother still, to this day, talks about that. In fact, I am about to call her, and I'll bet she brings up that story.

I do have a memory from about teenage years. I was in the kitchen with both my parents. My father had gotten some drinking glasses. They were packaged in a box, short glasses with birds on them. Not particularly interesting. Ugly, really. Not the particular taste of anyone in our family. My dad worked in the Automotive Trades division of 3M Company. He often got freebies of many kinds. I had the sense that these glasses were a "gift" from one of those exchanges. He brought them to my mother as a gift for her. I want to say it was Mother's Day, but I'm not certain.

SHE   WAS   FURIOUS!   And she let him know it, too. She let him know that this wasn't a real gift. It wasn't something she would want. He should know that, and if he paid attention, if he really loved her he would know that. On and on she went. I watched as my father's shoulders drooped. It was a familiar dance. I had the sense my father, on some subconscious level, set this scenario up over and over again. It was familiar. Still, as I watched my father, I felt sorry for him. I thought to myself, "If I were him, I would never give gifts. If that's what I got, I'd say F*** YOU! Get your own damn gift!"

As I remembered all this, while I sat sipping my Starbucks on my couch this morning, I wondered how many women were angry and disappointed that they were not honored for Mother's Day in the way that they wanted to be? Or forget Mother's Day, angry that they were not honored for _______ (you fill in the blank), or loved the way that they wanted to be. And out of these angry women, how many of them held the belief that "If he loved me, he should know". 


If you are one of those women, and I have been, I have a question for you. How is that working for you? Take a good, hard look at what that belief, that inner message has cost you all these years.  Isn't it counter-productive to getting your needs met? If you are willing to take a hard look, you will see that this is your part, your piece in creating this dynamic. This is one of the ways in which you, yourself, have perpetuated the problem.

Wouldn't it be nice to let that garbage go and replace it with a belief that actually helps you get what you want? What would it be like to ask directly, clearly and cleanly for what you want, with love and vulnerability? Sure, it will be new and awkward and uncomfortable, and even scary in its vulnerability. But isn't that why it's called a stretch? Isn't that the nature of "stepping out of your comfort zone"? It's not supposed to be comfortable, because you are in fact stepping out of your comfort, consciously and intentionally in order to grow soulfully and spiritually.

So I invite you, women and men, begin a new practice. Ask for what you want. Make it clear. Make a list. Make a list of what kind of behaviors make you feel loved, honored, seen, and appreciated. Make a list of your own personal love language and then make an appointment with the person you want to hear it. Yes. I said make an appointment. Set aside a time with no interruptions. A time that is honored as special. Be intentional about it. Set healthy boundaries around it. Take turns. Don't interrupt. Use a timer if needed. The point is, you create what you want. Step out of the victim role. You are responsible for your own happiness. That's a good thing! Enjoy.

With Love,
j.

Shadow

Dammit! I find it astonishing how completely blind to my own aspects of shadow I can be one minute, then a mirror is held up and WHAM! there it is, obvious, awkward, and clear as a bell the next. I see it and think "Jesus! How did I not see that?!! How did I not see that's what was driving me?! How could I be so blind?!"

But alas, that's why they call it "shadow". So right about now I'm feeling humbled and embarrassed and dreading facing up and owning my s**t, as they say. I'm grateful for the clarity, but oh how I hate the awkwardness I feel. It's sort of an internal cringe. I've been here before, though, and I know it passes.
After all is said and done, I will be wiser, truer, and more humble. Not a bad way to end that chapter. Not bad at all.

Receiving

Most women I know love to give, but are extremely uncomfortable with receiving.

I find it intensely interesting listening to the myriad of ways women resist receiving verbal compliments. A woman is told she is good at her work. She replies, "Oh no! But thank you", as if the addition of the words "Thank you" make her unwillingness to receive okay. Another woman is told her figure looks great. She responds, "Yeah, now if I can just get rid of these thighs!" Still another technique is to turn the attention to the one giving the compliment. This can be done by receiving the compliment and quickly bouncing it back, "Thanks, but I really love your outfit", or by skillfully ignoring the compliment all together. For example, "Your hair looks pretty." Receiver: "Oh, I've always wanted to know where you get yours done." Women have been doing this for centuries. It is a deeply ingrained pattern of behavior modeled by women and passed on to the generations of young women that follow.

I teach elementary school. Just the other day I was in my room with a group of second grade girls. i  Yes. I said second grade. 7-8 year olds. They were chatting first about food and then talking to each other about their thighs. Their thighs. They were not happy with them. The conversation and kind of talk was obviously something they had heard women/mothers in their life say to one another. Just like little girls playing dress-up in their mommie's clothes, they were trying on the talk they understood to be grown-up talk.

Another way women create resistance is by the refusal to ask for help; help with a project, help with the kids, help with financial struggles, and especially help with something personal where they feel vulnerable. When we create barriers and resistance to receiving, it is a great mirror of our beliefs about deserving. We are uncomfortable with receiving because on some level, we don't believe we deserve to receive.

The good news is this new awareness of our resistance to receiving is a great opportunity to explore what we believe we deserve. Those internal messages we have about what we deserve usually come from early childhood experiences. What do you want that you do not have now? What did you learn/see about deserving in your home when you were growing up? What did your parents believe they deserved? Were there any spoken messages? Did you hear "You get what you deserve!" Did you always have to earn in order to deserve? Did earning work for you? What did your childhood religious upbringing teach you about deserving? Were you told that sinners don't deserve? Were things taken away from you when you did something wrong? What did you tell yourself as a result of those childhood experiences? What have you come to believe you deserve? Are you good enough? Will you ever be good enough?

If you have never explored your internal beliefs around deserving, try this:
Go to the mirror and look into your own eyes. Breathe.
Say your name and repeat the following statements while looking into your own eyes. Pause after each statement and listen to what you tell yourself about it.

I deserve an abundance of leisure time.


I deserve an abundance of loving and supportive friends and family.


I deserve a job that is deeply gratifying.


I deserve to be treated with respect, consideration, and value.


I deserve to feel good.


I deserve time to myself and for myself.


I deserve to ask for help and to receive it.


I deserve, in abundance, ALL the good things that the whole universe has to offer.


Now tell me, what was that like for you? What came up? For me, I noticed that the most difficult one, the one I almost deleted (interestingly), was the statement, "I deserve a job that is deeply gratifying." And, I was surprised that it was this one. I didn't see it coming. Not intellectually anyway. But on a feeling level, I noticed my resistance. It was palpable. So, now I know I have some "stuff" I carry around career, working, and it being "deeply gratifying". I can tell you that I carry messages that say "Work is hard. You have to do it. Everyone hates their work. Just do it and shut up. Don't expect more. Don't expect too much. You don't get to have more than that. Work doesn't have to be deeply gratifying. You're lucky you have a job, so just shut up and do it. How dare you ask for more than that! Deeply gratifying??? You want too much!"

Whew! See how you can discover what's in there? That's what is creating resistance to your joy; whatever your joy is. Now that I have identified those internal messages that are creating the resistance for me, I can change them. The messages we carry are learned messages. That means we can unlearn them. Therein lies our power.

I challenge you. Look into your mirror. Do the exericse. Be the conscious creator of your own experience. I look forward to hearing about your experiences.

F#%K "Lady-like"!!

I'm 54. I'll turn 55 this summer. Growing up in a house with 4 other sisters, and a banner-carrying feminist mother, the fight for a woman's voice to be heard was no small thing. So today, when I make comments and post photographs on my FB page about Rush Limbaugh's insults, I do it because my voice is important. Period. So I am compelled to blog about this experience I am having of "Sshhhhhhhhh!... Don't give him attention." Blah, blah, blah. Yes, Yes. I know all about "What you focus on grows." I blog, post, and preach that too.

AND, there comes a time when I must speak up. If we always were quiet, turned the other cheek, gave "them" no attention, etc., there would be no revolutionaries. There would be no Elizabeth Cady Stanton, no Susan B. Anthony, no Alice Paul, or Lucy Burns. We women wouldn't even have the right to vote. Where would we be today if those women had listened to and heeded the "shhhhhh!" of their society? There is a time to speak up and speak up with passion and gusto. There is a time to step up and step forward, step out of my comfort zone and stretch into my voice, my LOUD, CLEAR, PASSIONATE VOICE.

When I was a girl, my dad (every now and then when I expressed myself in a way that wasn't in line with his thinking), would pop me on the rear end and say, "Julia! Act like a lady." Playful or not, the message was clear. Women have been told, in one way or another, to "shhhhhhh" for hundreds of years. So I suppose it's natural for even women in our society to "shhhhhh" me when I speak up. In fact, I don't think they realize what they are doing. I believe we (women) are still reacting out of deep, long-term programming. It seems the only time we women allow ourselves full voice, loud and passionate, is when it is in defense of the children. Then just try and "shhhh" me! See what happens!!!

But what about the metaphorical children? What about the new ideas and ways of being that we are giving birth to? They are our "children". Do we not have the right to give full voice, with gusto and passion to those as well? The challenge is to learn the balance between knowing when to push against and when to go with the flow. There was a time when I would have said the goal is to go with the flow, to be in a sort of Zen state where all is well all the time.

Ahhhhh.... but "The secret of Zen is just two words: Not always so."

Elizabeth, Susan B., Alice, and Lucy didn't go with the flow. They had been "going with the flow" far too long. It was time for them to push against it. And I am grateful to them for being willing to do that. Today, I have the right to vote because of them, because of their loud, passionate, true voice.

So no, I will NOT "Shhhhhhhh"!! I am not a "lady". I am not ashamed. And I will not be quiet. I am LOUD, and BAWDY, and PASSIONATE, and furthermore I LIKE the way I am. So I say "UNLADY-LIKE" WOMEN UNITE! SPEAK YOUR TRUTH WITH GUSTO AND PASSION! LIVE IT! LOVE WHO YOU ARE!